


You Could Be Happy (I Hope You Are)

by FrecklesOfTheSeasons



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Goddammit everyone needs a hug, Heartbreak, Lee Felix is a sweetheart, Lee Felix needs a hug, M/M, Sad, Sad Seo Changbin, Seo Changbin is bad at feelings, Seo Changbin needs a hug, Slow Burn, The other members are mostly only mentioned im sorry, Young Love, could this be called slow burn?, i almost cried while writing this, idk what else to say other than its SAD guys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-01
Updated: 2018-10-01
Packaged: 2019-07-21 00:04:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16148378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrecklesOfTheSeasons/pseuds/FrecklesOfTheSeasons
Summary: You made me happier than I'dBeen by farorFelix gets eliminated and Changbin is heartbroken.





	You Could Be Happy (I Hope You Are)

Changbin swears he never meant for things to go this far. Never meant to do this, never meant for this to happen. But no amount of swearing can change it, and it is what it is. And Felix is leaving. 

 

He swallows around the lump in his throat as they stand, like men waiting to be hanged, like objects to ogle and do with as JYP pleases. Changbin swears he'll have that man's head one day, for what he did to Minho. And now, this. 

 

“You won't be able to continue with the team.” 

 

“Yes.” 

 

Changbin’s heart splits in two. He steps backward and swallows heavily again, fingers clenching into fists at his sides. He can feel his eyes filling up with tears, and he won't cry, he refuses to cry. Instead he huddles at the back of the room as everyone crowds around Felix to say goodbye. 

 

He ends up crying anyways, tears spilling over despite his efforts to blink them away. Felix cries too, in Chan's arms. Changbin pulls his cap down over his face to hide it, because he's strong, Changbin swears he's strong. But then Felix is there in front of him, wrapping his arms around him and it's  _ worse _ , nothing can be worse than this. They cry together, in each other's arms, and Changbin apologizes.

 

“Hyung's sorry,” He sniffles as he clutches at Felix’s clothes. “Hyung really is.” And he cries because when did it get to this point? When did it start hurting to be away from him even for just a moment? And now he'll be gone forever, Changbin knows he will. 

 

“Why does hyung have to be sorry?” Felix sobs, looking Changbin in the eye before his face crumples again and he bursts into more tears, as if it's too much, too hard to look at him. Changbin knows the feeling. 

 

They hold each other, fingers digging into each other's arms as if to hold on just a little longer, because this is the last time it'll happen, it is, Changbin knows it.

 

And then it's time to go home. 

 

***

 

Felix doesn't come back to get his things. Instead, Chan gathers them for him and brings them to his house while Changbin hides in his room and cries. He feels so empty, so broken without Felix there and he sits on his bed with Gyu clutched in one hand and an old hoodie of Felix’s in the other. The hoodie smells like him, smells like Felix, warm and sweet and  _ Felix _ . It makes Changbin start crying all over again.

 

There's quiet knocking on his door and before Changbin can choke out a tearful “Go away” it opens. Woojin stands there, eyelids swollen from tears and nose red and blotchy. Looking at him, Changbin is reminded that it's real, that Felix is gone, forever. He tries to look menacing but instead only cries harder, hunching in on himself and Gyu and the hoodie. Woojin takes soft steps towards him but all Changbin can hear is the roaring of blood in his ears and his own sobs and Felix’s goodbyes. 

 

Woojin's arms come to rest around him, to pull Changbin to his chest, and Changbin lets them, lets them do as they please because he's so  _ tired _ and  _ broken _ . He hiccups and chokes around words that never make it past his lips as his head rests on Woojin's shoulder, fingers clutching at anything to hold him steady. Woojin pets his hair and holds him close, pressing a comforting kiss onto his head that Changbin knows means nothing. 

 

_ I love him! _ He wants to scream.  _ I love him, and he's gone. _ Then he does. He screams in agony and yanks away from Woojin to pull at his hair til it hurts, sobs still pouring from his throat and tears squeezing from his eyes where he's shut them tightly. He doesn't hold back now, screams again even as the other members pile up outside his door to look inside. He's aware of Woojin trying to calm him, trying to pull his hands away from their grip in his hair. He can't help it. 

 

Changbin is hyperventilating when he stands, and he throws Gyu across the room in a random direction, not even flinching when the clatter of glass breaking fills the air. He rushes to his desk and knocks everything over to find the books and books of lyrics he's written for them, for Felix. He tears out page after page until they're all spread out across the floor and he falls to the ground and buries his head in his hands as he cries. Jeongin sneaks into the room and puts his arms around him even as Changbin is shrugging him off. 

 

“Don't touch me,” He sobs into his hands. “Don't touch me, don't touch me!” He's shaking uncontrollably at this point as the other members pry a tearful Jeongin off of his back, all sniffling or hiccupping themselves. 

 

Changbin knows he makes quite the sight; cold and fearless Changbin crying his heart out over the boy he loves and will never get to tell. But they don't know, he'll never let them know. They leave him be, save for Woojin and Chan, who comes in shortly after from his trip to Felix’s. Chan scoops Changbin up off the floor even as he kicks and cries and sets him on his bed. Woojin retrieves Gyu from the windowsill where a mug has been knocked over and smashed against the ground. They smother him in blankets and hold him down as he cries, and cries, and cries. 

 

He cries more than he ever has in all his life and everyone knows it. He can hear Jeongin crying loudly from the living room and knows that it's his fault, his fault, all of it. He should have been there for Felix, should've helped him more, should've, could've, didn't. Changbin’s cries grow quieter as he runs out of noise to make, the lump in his throat holding him back. And he's tired, he's so tired. Woojin's back before Changbin even realized he'd left, with a glass of water that Changbin tries not to choke on as he sobs drily, out of tears to shed. Out of tears to shed. 

 

***

 

It never gets easier. Days pass by in a blur of practice after practice, skipped meal after skipped meal, and the other members hounding him about his well-being. Changbin never stops missing Felix. He never stops wearing the hoodie. He refuses to wash it, even when he knows it's gross, because it won't smell like Felix anymore, even though it stopped smelling like him a long time ago. He stops taking care of himself. 

 

But the others are there to do it for him. Woojin wakes him up every morning when he doesn't want to leave bed, wants to lay there and wallow in sadness. Hyunjin and Seungmin try to make him laugh, and even when all he can manage is a broken smile, he feels guilty. So, so, guilty, for smiling when Felix isn't there to see it, for feeling the tiniest bit happy when Felix isn't around to tease him. 

 

They notice, and they try to bring him out of it. Jisung and Jeongin cling to him and follow him like the plague, calling him sweet names and doting on him like he's a child. Chan sits with him in the studio as Changbin tries to write, only to scribble it all out and cry because it's all about Felix, only Felix. Woojin brings him food when he locks himself away to write, and write, and write, and near to god shoves it down his throat if he refuses. 

 

Changbin clings to Gyu and cries himself to sleep every night, sometimes just sitting there with a lump in in his throat and knots in his stomach when the tears won't come. He misses him. He misses Minho, too, of course, but not like this. Not like Felix. He lays in bed and stares out the window at the night sky. He wonders if Felix is looking at the same sky as him, how he's doing. Changbin hopes he's doing well. He hopes he's happy.

 

***

 

It snows that day, the day they get the news. Changbin’s frozen tears floating down from the sky, when they're told they're coming back. Felix is coming back. They're all gathered in the practice room, and JYP opens the door- 

 

Changbin wants to smile, he does, but he can't. He can't because why hadn't Felix told him beforehand? He can't because it's not set in stone. And so after JYP leaves the room, Changbin avoids Felix with all he's got. He hurries over to Minho and pretends that Felix looking at Jisung like that doesn't do terrible things to his heart. Pretends he doesn't see Felix looking at him meekly from the corner of the practice room. 

 

He doesn't talk to Felix more than he has to, and it hurts him, but he has to do it. He can't get hurt again, and so he settles for pushing Felix away instead. Chan comes to him after the practice, questions written on his face, and Changbin has to will himself not to cry again. He's been doing too much of that lately. 

 

“Changbinnie,” He starts, and Changbin feels his eyes fill up with tears. “What was that today?” Changbin looks away, blinking rapidly,  willing his tears to vanish. 

 

“What was what, hyung?” He asks, not looking up at Chan's face, because if he does he'll break and he'll cry and he doesn't want to cry right now. Chan sighs deeply, and lets his hand settle on Changbin’s shoulder. 

 

“You know what I'm talking about, Binnie.” Changbin just shakes his head and Chan shakes his head in wonder. “Unbelievable. You have to know.” Changbin looks at him meekly and shakes his head again. 

 

Chan stares him in the face and Changbin regrets ever looking up because he can feel his face morph into one of pure unadulterated sorrow and he knows that Chan sees it too. 

 

“You'll have to talk to him eventually.” Chan says, squeezing his shoulder gently, and Changbin shakes his head harder. He's begun to hyperventilate again, just the idea of talking to Felix filling him with so much panic. 

 

“Why not?” His hyung asks softly and Changbin’s lips part in a silent cry as one, then two tears drip down his face. 

 

“C-can't.” He chokes between frantic breaths. “Can't, can't get close to him again, can't.” 

 

Chan holds him and sits down on the bed with him, passes him Gyu. He rubs circles over where Changbin’s thumb meets the rest of his hand and breathes deeply, urging Changbin to do the same. 

 

“Why not, Binnie?” He asks again. “Does it hurt?” Changbin nods hurriedly, more tears beginning to fall from his eyes. 

 

“It's a lie.” He chokes out and squeezes his eyes shut. “They won't let him back, there's-" He sobs. “There's no way.” 

 

Chan looks at him with understanding in his eyes as Changbin wipes at his, only succeeding in making himself cry harder. 

 

“You're afraid.” He says gently, and Changbin looks away, jaw clenched in shame. “It's okay, Binnie, it's okay to be afraid.” 

 

“I don't want to get hurt again.” His eyes fall closed as he grits the words out through clenched teeth. “I don't want  _ him _ to get hurt again.” 

 

“Changbin,” Chan says, pleadingly. “You're only hurting him more by doing this.” 

 

Changbin swallows and works his jaw anxiously. He knows.

 

***

 

When they return to the practice room the next day, Felix is waiting. He throws his arms around Changbin and rests his head on his shoulder. Changbin can feel the lump in his throat grow larger and his instincts are screaming at him to stay at Felix’s side, to cuddle with him and be happy, but he can't, he  _ can't _ . So he ignores the pained look on Felix’s face as he shrugs his arms away and gives him a brief nod of acknowledgement before making his way over to Minho to start stretching. 

 

Felix doesn't give up. He's constantly there, by Changbin’s side,  _ where he belongs _ , Changbin’s mind unhelpfully supplies. He calls him  _ hyung _ in that soft voice of his and brings him waters until Changbin is blinking back tears because it's too much to handle, too much. He can't let himself get comfortable, not when he knows he's going to lose this again. 

 

But Felix is slowly forming cracks in Changbin’s resolve, smiling at him and furrowing his eyebrows in worry when he thinks Changbin isn't watching. He looks like he's going to cry. 

 

_ Don't cry, _ Changbin wants to say, wants to wrap his arms around felix and hold him for hours,  _ don't cry.  _ But he can't because he's in love with him, and Felix will never know, will never feel the same. So instead he settles for this. 

 

“Felix,” He says, and it's so much different than the old nicknames he used to call him, different but still soft. He swallows around nothing and waits for Felix to look at him. It's the first thing he's said to him all day.

 

“Hyung needs some help with this move.” He speaks again and his voice quivers from nerves because he  _ loves him _ , goddammit. “Will you help?” 

 

Felix’s whole demeanor changes. His face lights up and the biggest smile stretches across his face, despite the lack of nickname. He makes his way over to Changbin with a bounce in his step and Changbin doesn't realize he's squeezed his eyes shut until Felix says something. 

 

“Hyung,” He starts, sounding so worried that Changbin’s eyes flicker open, the need to soothe too strong. “Are you alright?”

 

Changbin isn't, he isn't alright. 

 

“Yeah, Lix, hyung is fine.” He heaves out in one tired breath before smiling up at Felix, whose eyes are actually sparkling with what must be relief. “Show me what you've got.” 

 

From the corner of his eye, he sees Chan watching them with a reassuring grin. He's not sure who it's for.

 

***

 

The drive home is quiet, and leaves Changbin alone with his thoughts. He can't stop thinking about Felix’s smile, his warmth, Felix. He knows this whole thing has gone too far and grits his teeth in pain at what the realization has cost him. He knows he will never be able to have Felix for his own. They're on their way to becoming idols, and idols are not gay. The whole thing would result in a scandal, and probably the ruination of his and Felix’s lives. No. He can never have that happiness. It's impossible. 

 

No, he wants Felix to be happy. And Felix will never be happy with him. Changbin finds himself with wetness on his cheeks and lifts a hand to brush it away, but Jeongin is faster. 

 

“Hyung,” He says from his spot beside him, and Changbin knows he's been caught. He doesn't stop wiping at his face even when Jeongin continues. “Are you okay, hyung?” 

 

He's not sure what makes him do it, but Changbin shakes his head. 

 

“No.” He whispers, and Jeongin pulls him into his arms and lets him cry. They sit there like that for a while, Changbin hiccupping into Jeongin’s sweater with everyone's eyes on them. He knows they're worried about him, but no one says anything until they get home. 

 

It's Chan, it's always Chan. Changbin’s tears have dried by the time the van parks and he makes his way into the building behind everyone else. Chan comes to him then, and pulls him aside into the kitchen. 

 

“Changbin,” He begins, and he sounds so  _ worried _ . Changbin wonders when he'll stop worrying people so much. 

 

“I'm okay, hyung.” Changbin says quietly, and turns to walk to his room. Chan catches him by his wrist and stops him. Changbin doesn't look at him. 

 

“You're hurting,” His hyung whispers, so no one else can hear. “You're hurting so much Changbinnie. And it hurts us, too, to watch you fall apart like this.” 

 

Changbin knows he's crying again. He chokes back a sob and pulls his wrist away from Chan's grip. 

 

“I'm okay, hyung.” He says again, but his voice wobbles and he knows Chan knows he's not. So he lets his hyung hold him and doesn't make a sound as tears make their way down his cheeks, reddened from hours spent crying at night. Changbin wonders if he's ever been okay. 

 

_ You were,  _ his mind tells him,  _ when Felix was around. _ He cries harder. 

 

***

 

Each practice gets harder and harder. Not only the choreography, but Felix being there has tired Changbin out. He finds that he can't cry anymore, and it would make him glad, if it weren't for the emptiness he felt in his chest. His heart is still crying, even if his eyes aren't. 

 

The members try to be there for him. Woojin makes his favorite meals for dinner when he can and Hyunjin hugs him constantly, to the point that he can't breathe. Jisung and Chan encourage him to keep writing and share their lyrics with him. All his free time is spent in the studio. 

 

“Hyung,” Felix says one day during a break in practice, out of the blue. “Hyung, you don't look happy. Do I not make you happy anymore?” His eyes are wide and searching, and Changbin knows the answer. He smiles tiredly up at Felix from where he's seated on the floor. 

 

“You do, you do make me happy, Jixeu.” There it is, the old nickname, slipped off his tongue like a bad habit he can't seem to get rid of. He watches Felix’s eyes fill with tears. 

“Don't lie to me, hyung.” He chokes out, wiping his arm across his face to hide the fact that he's crying. “Don't lie to me when I have all the proof I need right here.” 

 

“I,” Changbin tries, lips parting slightly. “I'm not lying. You do make me happy, you do.” The lump in his throat is back and it's making it hard to breathe. 

 

“Don't.” Felix sobs, and Changbin’s heart breaks again. “Just don't.” He walks away, presumably to get some fresh air, and Minho is suddenly in his place, anger written on his face. 

 

“What did you do to him?” He asks, and it isn't loud. His voice is tight with restrained anger, but it's quiet, controlled. Changbin finds it in him to be a little afraid. 

 

“I-" Changbin looks up, eyes wild, panicky. “I don't- I don't know.” His hands fly up to his hair to pull at it and Minho snatches his hands away. 

 

“Stop doing that shit,” He snaps, and Changbin flinches. “Stop hurting yourself. Stop hurting yourself, Changbin.” His voice softens and shakes a little at the end. Changbin is vaguely aware that he's crying again. He can never stop, it seems, even when he's cried enough for an entire lifetime. 

 

“What are you doing?” Minho whispers to him, holding Changbin’s face in his hands. “What are you doing to yourself?” 

 

Changbin sobs loudly, and he doesn't see Felix peek around the doorway to find the source of the noise, too preoccupied with his own tears and Minho’s questions and everyone's eyes on him. They never stop watching. 

 

“I can't do it, I can't.” He whimpers, his breath speeding up. “They're going to take him away again, they're-" He cuts himself off with another sob and pulls away from Minho to sink to the floor, head buried in his hands. Minho crouches beside him and puts his hand on Changbin’s shoulder. 

 

“I think-" He tries, swallows, tries again. “I think I'm in love with him.” He whispers, and the room goes deathly quiet. Changbin doesn't know what to expect. He never thought he'd get quite this far. He looks up at Chan, at Seungmin, the others, but he still doesn't see Felix at the doorway. 

 

“I,” He sniffles. “I'm gay.” He hopes they don't hate him, hopes they won't ask him to leave. When no one responds, he bursts into tears again and hides his face behind the sleeves of his hoodie. After a moment of just him crying, he feels Minho’s hand prying his own away. 

 

“Changbin,” He says softly, eyes warm with understanding. “You're not alone. You're not alone in that.” Changbin stiffens and looks up at him, eyes wide and still shedding tears. 

 

“‘M not?” 

 

“You're not.” Minho reassures him, and grins. “Changbin, your gaydar is shit.” 

 

“It is?” 

 

“Changbin,” Minho sighs exasperatedly. “I'm gay!” 

 

Oh. 

 

_ Oh. _

 

“We don't hate you, Changbin.” Hyunjin reaches forward and squeezes his shoulder. 

“I've known for a while.” Chan admits, and Changbin whips around to look at him in surprise, but his eyes catch on something in the doorway and- 

 

Oh. His heart crumbles and his eyes fill with tears again. 

 

_ “Oh.” _ He whispers, and wonders how many times a heart can break in a lifetime. He hears footsteps coming towards him and shudders behind his hands. Then he feels Felix’s small hand on his, and hears his voice, soft, in his ear.

 

“I think we need to talk.” 

 

Changbin nods and keeps his eyes trained on the ground even as Felix helps him to his feet and pulls him out of the practice room. Once they're outside, Changbin realizes how cold it is. He's still in his sweats and hoodie, but it does little to protect him from the chill he feels. Changbin doesn't look at him, doesn't look at Felix. 

 

“Hyung,” Felix says meekly. “Look at me.” Changbin doesn't. He feels a hand grasp his chin and force his face upward, not roughly. His eyes meet Felix’s, land on his tear stained cheeks and nose, red from crying, or maybe the cold. Felix’s eyes are pleading, sad. 

 

“Do you?” Felix asks, voice soft. “Do you love me?” 

 

Changbin is acutely aware of the people walking past, looking at their phones or their cars without a care in the world. He worries that someone will see them. 

 

“Felix,” He whimpers, tears frozen on his face from the cold. “I,” But he can't get the words out. 

 

“Do you?” Felix asks again, voice cracking slightly. “Because I love you, hyung.” 

 

Changbin sobs. He flings his arms around Felix and cries into his heavy jacket, seeking warmth and comfort. Felix’s arms come around to hold him against his chest, where Changbin’s head is pressed against his heart. He can hear the steady  _ ba-bump, ba-bump _ and it's slightly calming. 

 

“It's okay.” Felix whispers, because he knows the answer. “You don't have to say it back now. It's okay, hyung.” Because he knows, he holds Changbin close while he cries, oblivious to the world around them. Because he knows. 

 

***

 

They're all a bundle of nerves that night, the night they are to perform. The show goes smoothly, as smoothly as it can, Changbin thinks. He hopes and pleads that Felix will stay. His prayers are answered. 

 

“Congratulations. Stray Kids will debut as nine.” 

 

The air is knocked out of Changbin’s chest. His face crumples in relief and tears find their way down the familiar course of Changbin’s cheeks. He tugs at his cap to hide it while Felix and Minho are welcomed and hugged and only looks up when Felix stumbles his way into his arms. They cry together, much like the day that he was eliminated. But this time, it's for another reason.

 

Changbin gets caught up in Felix’s laugh as they leave the stage, gets caught up in where their hands are clasped together, in the warmth bubbling up in his chest that has been missing for so, so long. And he laughs. For the first time in weeks, he laughs. Everyone around him stops and looks at him. There's an air of surprise around them, and it only makes Changbin tip his head back and laugh more. 

 

Somewhere in between, his laughs morph into choked sobs, and he buries his face in Felix’s neck as the others look on, worried. But Felix just holds him, and smiles. 

 

“It's okay hyung,” He whispers into Changbin’s cap, barely audible. “I'm here now.” 

 

“You'll stay?” Changbin asks, voice raspy and throat raw from crying. Felix smiles against the cap on his head and smooths his hands over Changbin’s shoulders. 

 

“I'll stay.” 

 

*** 

 

Felix moves back into the dorms. He's with Changbin every waking moment of the day, either snuggled up in Changbin’s room with Gyu, or out on a walk to the convenience store down the street. One day, as they're cuddling on Changbin’s bed, Felix spots an item of clothing on the chair at Changbin’s desk. 

 

“What's this?” He asks, and pulls away from where their limbs are tangled together to fetch it, despite Changbin’s pouty whine. When he picks it up, his mouth drops open, and he turns to Changbin with wide eyes. 

 

“You kept it?” And Changbin nods weakly from where he's bundled up under several blankets. The biggest grin splits across Felix’s face and he dashes over to Changbin to pull him into a hug. He laughs, and Changbin smiles shyly. He looks up just as Felix pulls away from their hug and swallows as their eyes meet. 

 

They sit there for a while in silence, just staring at each other, before Felix moves. He cups Changbin’s face in his hands and smooths his thumbs over his cheeks. 

 

“Is this okay?” He asks, voice quiet, and Changbin almost knocks his hands away in his haste to nod. Then Felix leans forward, and time stops. 

 

_ Oh. _

 

Changbin feels a gentle pressure against his lips and vaguely remembers to close his eyes as he leans into the touch. Felix’s lips are soft against his and he's never felt anything better. It lasts only for a few seconds before Felix pulls away, eyes worried. 

 

“Was that okay?” 

 

And Changbin is grinning so wide his face hurts, pulling Felix toward him so he can bury his face in his dongsaeng's neck. 

 

“Yeah,” He says softly, still smiling. Then, “I love you.” 

 

Felix stiffens against him and then melts into Changbin’s touch, arms wrapping around him. Changbin doesn't seem to realize that he's said it, at first, but when he does he only smiles sleepily and closes his eyes. Being in love is tiring. 

 

“I love you too.” Felix whispers, and then Changbin is drifting away into dreamland, the taste of strawberry chapstick on his lips and a slight tingle in his chest to remind him just who's holding him. He knows.

**Author's Note:**

> ayyyy back at it again with the angst  
> i’m sorry ;-;  
> i hope u enjoyed!


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